He threw her across the bed. Lustful eyes penetrating her being. Her heart pounding in her chest she scurried about the bed. Here mousy mousy… he whispered. Her hot breath escaping her in short desperate huffs. Fear? Every bone in her body was screaming run but every muscle yearned for her captor. His long dark hair, his hard body. She shivered at the thought.

its gonna be a blood lust kinda thing i think. i wanna keep it as normal as posible but im such a sick freak. i will probably end up using my favorite word..."corpse" just love the way it sounds. but ya never know. ive talked about a few sick things  in my time. and actually convinced a few ppl i actually am into shit like that. anyway im gonna blaze. my flattie just asked if i was writing it lol. he likes it :D hes into all that kinda shit. plus he has mad taste! anyway gonna blaze

love morgeanna

Thoughts:

it really is quite fightening how much i have changed in reacent years. I feel different too. you know what made me think of this? im wearing once again clothes of old. things i once used to wear. clothes that apitomised how i felt. That fact has not changed. I still dress how i feel... it is how i feel that has changed. I used to love to wear all matts old clothes. I loved being dressed as a guy. I guess deep inside by dressing that way i was an equal. That was the mentality of it. I hated every time someone said "for a girl" or "cause shes a girl" what i hated even more was when girls said it. I told them this. I said not to cut down our gender with steriopypes. These words often escaped my lips when i was younger. Now countless times i have been told im wise passed my years. Something i dont pretent to completely comprehend. Am i all that different from others my age? I wouldnt know. I never really socialise with my age group. All "friends" i had were meanless ties. Never was a strong connection teathered between me and any of them. I guess i am different. I just dont share the same scope on the world as others i have known. Many will never know just how truely fucked up my childhood was. I dont often speak of it. In saying that i also do not regret it, as it made me who i am today. Im glad that eileen was a royal fuck up, well maybe not glad, but though her my tie to mum was strengthed. She will never know exactly how much i respect her. How could i say that ONA is the closest thing to an idol i have. Mum is and has been every day since i came to this country. And when she was weak from the blow of eileen i was her piller of strength. That if anything is what made me who i am today. But also changed something within me. I was no long a fledgeling. I was an equal. A partner of sort one might say. But since that day my standards were forever changed. Respcet became one of the most important things to me. That is something i enforce when eileen spoke illy or disrespectfully to my mum. For the life of can i imagine how eileen could have gone through all that she had and not growth through it as i had. I guess she thought she was a victim. Far from it. She was the reper of my mothers pain. But enough of her. I wished to speak of respect and following suit i say that I greatly respected others but never came for free. The fact that someone is older in some circumstances means nothing. I respect those who merit my respect. I will not have respect demanded of me. Quite the contrary. The one i speak of now is the father of my brother. How we feuded. He was an intolerable man. No one around him truely liked him. He demanded respect of everyone and had none for anyone but himself. And i told him this. How i loved so get under his skin. And i did it often. I loved it. every wicked word he had ever said to another... i avenged them all. I do not take the status of saint in this. As much as i did it for others i did it as much for myself. Oh how i loved it. One may not understand it but it has always been one of most wicked traits. A huge part of me. And as much as i want to become the best person i can i will never give that up. It comes from my years of living with my sister. How we loved to torment one another. And as horrible as it had been, i loved every wicked moment. Truly it is evil. Yet i would never give it up. So is my passion for it haha. I do it to this day. Im a button pusher. I always have been. I forsake many evil characteristics of my soul but this is one i shall keep with me always. In the chaos of arguments there is a greater pleasure in it also. It gives us something in which we can stimulate ourselves. Only did i learn this when eileen left me. How i missed our fighting. It filled the empty space. How i would have suffered had i ever been an only child. I think it unbearable. The loneliness i always feel is only ever forgotten when i am in the company of my mother and sister. I have no need for technology there. In fact i have come to loath it. Yesterday the boys and i played card in the storm and for royaly tanked after playing alcoholic snakes and ladders which we received at christmas only days ago. for once we did something other than sit mindlessly at our stupid computers. Its such a waste of life. I have the strongest need for something more than this. I want to learn and disuss things that matter. I talked to mike about government and literature and prejudice for hours. That was a most memorable conversation. I had thought him a perverted freak. A complete ignoramous. How wonderful it was to discover he had a brain and knew how to use it. But as much as i would love once more to speak with him i am in a state of disseray. As much as i respect his intlecual side his dick enevibalely rules him. Such a disgusting invididual i hope i shall never meet again. But im glad i spoke to this one. Though i shall never speak to him again i am glad i did that day. In our heated fighting i found stimulation. Someone i might see as an equal. I guess that is what turns me off guys eventually. That they are weaker then me. That they can not do onto me as i do onto them. That they consider a debate a fight. Pause on that. Never have i had an iteligible dicussion with my matthew. Once again i am a sucker for tallent. Just as i had been with zZ. Whenever i have ever tried to teach him anything he never wanted to learn. Another traight which i loath. How despreate am i for someone who would love to learn as i do. who would also love to teach what he knows. That is the greatest gift my father ever gave me. How i loved to dicuss and learn history and german and a great deal of other things from him. I learn not because i was forced to but because i loved to. Because i would have knowledge. Haha i really am a strange girl. But so true to my sign i live in phases easily amused at first yet bored of it as time progressed. Gah. I still feel sick from drinking yesterday. i fooleshly broke my drinking rituals but to savour the feeling. I sleept on the floor listening to all my old music. and i suffer from it now. None the less i am content in my writing. as i was saying...I slept maybe 3 hours and woke to glimps the sun rise. I watched only for a short while and retired to the sofa for a 15minute power nap as adam and ben some desended the stairs. When they arrived i had already begun once more to read anne rice. The way in which she flows her thoughts and develops and structures her language is simply amasing. I can think of no better word at this moment. In fact this passage is infact has turned into a mimic of her briliance. The shear fact that i can write like this delights me emencly as previously i could have never hope to acheive something so wonderful. I shall never stop  reading her. Yet another person for whome i harbour great respect.

This has been quite enjoyable but i fear i must take my leave. As much as i would love to write endlessly... and i could do this with great ease, there are other matters that require my immediate attention.

~morge-anna  

Hmm i may as well write down some shit i want to get long term cause i always fucking forget

matt is now getting me a web cam so it looks like that top is first on my list

1) top - new moon
2) necklace - honey??
3) boots - fuck knows...
4) diskman with speakers - probably somewhere lame like the warehouse
5) some new black high heals - that shop in aussie fair near the side entrance.
6) long black skirt - probably salvos or some shit
7) hair removal moose :D lol"  - lol the shops
8) black nail polish if i dont get it for chrissy - cosmetic girl
9) new trenchy - probably ebay or st vinnies
10) undies and socks if i dont get that for chrissy - best & less

just letting everyone know i dont want all these things staight away. hehe im not that spoit. these are thing i want to work for and get progresavly over the next 5 years.